Why I left both times

I want to explain something, I have said it before, but I want to say it again..... (and I am not going to use names)

When I left California almost nine years ago, I made a lot of people mad, and left many people hurt. I hurt someone that means the world to me, the most, my beautiful older sister. I hurt my parents too, but hurting my sister bothered me the most. And to a point still does today.

When I left for those two weeks in early 2000, I was pissed off, I had only planned on leaving for a few hours which turned into over night, and then into two weeks. But what happened was all basically a stupid argument between my mom and I involving my brother, that all came to a head and just made me so mad that I left because she said I couldn't.
For many years, mostly my high school years, I felt a lot of pressure on me. Maybe it was all in my head but maybe not. I felt I had to live up to Jess's great grades and any expectations anyone had for me, putting undue stress on myself and others around me I suppose. Then I was in a place I shouldnt have put myself into with a guy that had my self-esteem down to non-existent, and basically had me hoping for death. So when 2000 hit, I was slowly trying to pull myself and everything else together, and trying to be my own person. And I felt like I wasnt allowed to be able to do that. Even before I met my hubby, I told my mom I didnt belong in California, I told her I felt like I never belonged there. Yeah that made her upset, but I am not going to lie about something like that.
The reason for leaving the first time came down to where I was talking on the phone, and its not like I was doing anything to hurt anyone, but mom came in the room and stared at me, so I was telling the person I was talking to that I had to get going, anyway it goes that I didnt immediatly hang up, and so mom had My brother get on the phone and harass me every 30 seconds until I hung up.
After I got off the phone I was already mad that she had him do it that I went in to talk to her, and she ended up yelling at me, and I at her, her never having explained to me why I needed to urgently go get off the phone, and I told her I had to get out of the house for a little while she told me I couldnt leave, so I it made me want to even more. And I did. I grabbed a couple of things and left.
I stayed out a couple of hours, and then was too tired, and still too mad to go back, so I stayed out all night. When I came back in the morning, The locks on the front door were changed. She locked me out of the house. I dont know why, And have as of now still not been told. So I went back to get some clothes later that day.
Anyway long story short, the reason I came back, is because grandma told me I could no longer stay with her "because I was keeping her awake" although I was making no noise at all.
I heard a story which I dont really believe as to why I ended up fighting with my mom and then I came back. Tension and all still between us. She didnt even give me a house key, I had to get it from my brother.


Now as to the second time I left....Still all the time telling mom that I didnt belong in California, I continued on, I had met my hubby in dec of 99 and was talking to him online....I had been telling mom that I wanted to meet him, and then the chance finally came and he came out to california, and mom said he could stay with us (even though she will prolly say otherwise.) and I had been telling her the whole time, I was leaving, and that I didnt belong, and that I had felt for the longest time that moving with him was the right thing for me.
I knew it was where I belonged. That I belonged and still belong with him.
After I left lies were told about me to members of the family, such as I never said I was leaving, I never said that he was coming and all other sorts of things, and none of them have ever been straightened out, because no one has ever confronted me, I have only heard them third hand. But family seems to be cordial with me, although I know some of them are prolly still a little hurt. And I know they (or most of them) still have issues with the fact that I left, and now that I live so far away. I know they have all been relieved that I am happy, and to see that I am happy, and that I have a good life out here. And that I know I belong here, and that my heart is full.

My main reason for writing this is just to state that I dont know what they have heard of know about my reasons for leaving and about any of that. And I dont know if most of them know I am happy, as most of them havent seen it, and sadly, I only talk to them by email now, if at all, which is very sad to me.

But life goes on, and I am not going to live in the past. I dont hold grudges most of the time, and I am happy with who I am and where I am.
I am bothered that some family still seems irritated with me, but I can not and will not do anything about it, until they talk to ME, instead of talking ABOUT me.

Anyway, I just wanted to put that out there.